


Fuck All Grown Up!

by Darfur_Maxx



Category: Barney & Friends, Barney Bunch, Rugrats & All Grown Up! (Cartoons)
Genre: General fiction, Humor, Literature, M/M, Mecha, Multi, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 13:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13411791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darfur_Maxx/pseuds/Darfur_Maxx
Summary: What greater torment could a long lost prince experience in the face of endless war fought between pride and faith, immemorial? What of lovers, and the unloved? What of fighters, facing the unbeatable? Or the torturous circumstances that are inflicted upon the hardened and the weak, regardless? Simply put, what better way to reanimate a champion, then, with another champion?





	1. Battle of The Century!

Firstly, the sole reason this fic was made is because the entire _Rugrats_ fandom has been sucking shit from a mongrel's asshole ever since Nickelodeon decided that Rugrats needed to grow up. What's even worse is about this is that they didn't even grow up all that much! In other words, they are tweens, the same creatures that make HORRID fanfiction that involve the "Grown Up" rugrats getting raped and doing drugs and, in this fandom apparently, getting pregnant because since the rugrats are "All Grown Up" they seem to must have hot secks with each other.

Just let that absorb into your pathetic human peasant brains for a few seconds . . .

Now, do you think that making the rugrats grow up is COMPLETELY FUCKING RETARDED!?-!? I mean seriously, it was bad enough for Tommy to get Dil and Kimi showing up, but you KNOW that Rugrats needed to end when they made them GROW UP!

This act not only hurt the _Rugrats_ TV show, but it also gave the teeny bopper retards the chance to vomit the bullshit that they call "Fanfiction" right on the Rugrats fandom's dead body!

The result of this act of mindless stupidity costed Nickelodeon their (almost non-existent) dignity and what little remainder of the old school fans that fooled themselves into believing that maybe one day _Rugrats_ would be good again (and maybe kill off Kimi  & Dil,) and Nickelodeon would stop doing retarded things like pissing off Jhonen Vasquez and making shitty new shows that not even retarded two year olds would tolerate.

Unfortunately, by how things are going, it doesn't look like this is going to be much more than a dream . . .

Anyway, this rant has gone long enough. So let's get started with this _Rugrats_ fanfic!

* * *

  
**For Angelica Gets Ununoctium!**  
Originally _Fuck All Grown Up!_

'Dis boy's kinda stupid  
Mista Bob Dobalina~!  
(To be rewritten. _It really fucking needs it._ )

* * *

It was a typical day at Tommy's ugly house, and the babies were bored as SHIT.

"I'm bored." Tommy announced to the others.

"No shit, Shelok!" Chuckie said, mispronouncing words like always.

"Yeah, well uh, FUCK YOU REDHEAD PUSSY!" Tommy was in a very pissy mood since Dil was born.

"AT LEAST I HAVE SOME FUCKING HAIR AT ALL, YOU BALD PIECE OF SHIT!" The other babies were also irritable as hell, mainly because of Kimi and Dil, but also because they have diaper rashes.

"BRING IT WUSSY ASSHOLE!" Tommy only made things worse.

The two babies then got up and were ready to beat the living shit out of each other. For babies, they had fighting abilities of that of champion cage fighters, because ever since they learned how to work the remote controller, they have been watching Wrestlemania and the anime Berserk.

They, of course, did what was on TV. Tommy even killed Angelica when she was demanding some cookies from them and Tommy was pumped on _Berserk_. He took her out by snapping her three year old bitch neck.

"I'm . . . I'm . . . free . . . WOOHOO, I'M FREE, I AM SO FUCKING FREEEEEEEEE! FREEDOM HERE I COME!" These were the last words that the other parents ever heard from Drew before he stripped down naked and ran to the nearest rave. Drew partied like it was 1999 because he was free at last, and had since left his friends and family to do things he could have never done otherwise, namely getting involved with the rave scene and eating their feel good grown up candy.

Phil and Lil has foreseen the battle that was to come, Phil got out the video camera he stole from his mom and Lil pulled a small disc player from her diaper. They were going to record the battle of the century and they were going to have some kick-ass Metallica with it!

"PREPARE TO DIE, CHUCKIE!"

"YOU'LL BE SORRY THAT YOU EVER MET ME, TOMMY!"

They taunted each other. They stared each other down until Chuckie ran at Tommy at full speed. Tommy predicted this and sidestepped his onslaught. Chuckie was fast, but not fast enough, because Tommy punched him right in the mouth the moment he turned around; Chuckie lost his first tooth from this.

"Dammit Tommy, that was my first tooth you punched out!" he cried out. Chuckie was pissed about losing one of his appendages. Chuckie then roundhouse kicked Tommy in the chest, which sent him flying on his trusty ball. Tommy was pained by the kick but he gathered his strength and kicked his ball forward and struck Chuckie's 2 year old nuts, which emitted a painful cry and immobilized him.

Tommy decided to take advantage of this potential fight finisher by running up and performing a suplex. Tommy almost got to him, but Chuckie dodged and countered by tripping him. Tommy was surprised by this, and Chuckie started to kick him in the head.

"YOU'RE ALWAYS THE SPECIAL ONE TOMMY, YOU'RE ALWAYS BETTER THAN ALL OF US!" Chuckie ranted and ranted as he kicked Tommy's prone ass. This went on for a few minutes.

Chuckie then stopped kicking Tommy and realized he may have killed his bestest friend in the whole wild world.

"Tommy! I m sorry for this ever happening!" Chuckie sobbed and sobbed. "If there was anything I could do for you, then let me know!"

Tommy then slowly struggled to sit up. "Chu . . . ki . . . cooome . . . cloooooser . . ." Tommy looked like hell and he barely gurgled out these words.

"Sure, anything for you pal!"

"Chuu . . . kii . . ."

"What do ya need, o' friend of mine? Chuckie was afraid that he may have put his bestest friend on his deathbe- err, crib.

Everything was silent, Lil turned off the metal for the dramatic effect.

Tommy then stabbed Chuckie in the eye with his screwdriver.

"DON T YOU EVER FUCKING CALL ME BALD AGAIN, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD AND SATAN THAT I WILL **KILL YOUUUU!** " Tommy then collapsed, for it was nap time.

Before Tommy fell asleep however, Chad's stupid Japanese whore dropped off her ass baby.

"Hiya guys! What are we gonna do tod-" Tommy then shot her with a .357 Magnum.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Stu's Gayest Invention!

**FUN FACT** : I used certain words a whole lot more than I do now. One of them was "anyways" which I fix in basically all my stories nowadays, along with "&" instead of "and". Tell me in the reviews what other weird writing quirks you fateful readers might notice.

* * *

Not much to say here, Dickelodeon sucks mamma jamma asshole and Jhonen Vasquez is still mad at Dickelodeon. _El Tigre_ nearly put me in a coma.

Enjoy!

* * *

It was still a typical day at Tommy's ugly house, and everyone was still hella bored. Just a few minutes ago, Chuckie's eye was gouged out by a screwdriver and Kimi was killed by a drowsy, pissy Tommy who recently got the shit kicked out of his head by his former best friend, Chuckie. Phil and Lil sent the video of their fierce battle to _America's Funniest Home Videos_. The show, by the way, is about as funny as being raped by your family and friends. Bob Saget doesn't help much either.

But enough of the babies, let's see what the parents are up to.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my newest invention!" Stu announced to the others.

"GOOD LAWD!" Grandpa screamed out in terror at the "invention". He then died from the shock and the fact that he's an old moldy piece of shit.

"My, that is a very nice invention Stu." Didi complimented, except for the fact that she did not care about his retarded inventions that nearly kills everyone. In fact, she was on the computer, playing a game called Tibia. She was playing a level 78 sorcerer that, like all of her other characters on Tibia, is currently being hunted for **_pwning_** many players, this only got worse when she PK-ed the little brother of a VERY powerful player. That's why she is the most hunted player on Tibia today. Not like this has anything to do with anything, I just felt like pointing that out.

"I don't think that's a very child-appropriate toy you made Stu . . ." Chaz warned, he was disgusted by his "invention". It was a vibrator duct-taped to a hammer.

"My 5th birthday was very special, because asides the law-enforced bukkake we get every birthday, my mother rammed a dildo inside me. It was a very special birthday!" Kira proudly declared.

"This is America sweetie, you could go to jail if they find out that you are an illegal immigrant." Chaz nervously whispered. Everyone except the dead Grandpa and Stu were shocked at her saying that. This caused Didi to end up being PK-ed.

"I present to you, the witnesses, the Ass Hammer 9000! It is a vibrating dildo and a hammer, for when you get horny on the job; men will love this!" Stu shouted out. He was REALLY excited about this invention specifically, for Stu is a big flaming homo!

Grandpa just had a final bowel movement and made a big stinky that can be smelled in the entire house.

"Umm . . . don't you mean `women` on the job?" Betty jokingly inquired, she already knew that Stu is a fagbag the moment she saw his retarded purple hair.

"Nope, this isn't a toy; it's a man's tool to relieve himself on the job and in the house at the same time. It's way too much for wimpy women like you." Stu said in a sexist, prideful tone.

"How dare you!" Betty was pissed off at this claim, since she's a nazi feminist. She immediately threw her hot coffee and her used tampons at the sexist fag. Stu ran away screaming into the living room where the babies were sitting around with their thumbs up their asses. Betty followed.

They ran around in circles until Stu tripped on Kimi's dead baby ass. Betty took advantage of this and crammed some bloody tampons into Stu's ass, and since Betty is a woman, Stu did NOT like it.

"I'll teach you to insult a woman's pride, sexist PIG FAG!" Betty chanted her women's pride angry call like feminism programmed her to.

"AAAAHHHH! STOP! YOU'RE A GIRL AND YOU'RE VIOLATING MY SPECIAL PLACE!" Stu hollered.

"Oh, you want me to CUT YOUR EVIL MAN FAG DICK OFF INSTEAD?!"

"NO! PLEASE NOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

"Let me think about it . . ." Betty held down the man fag of a human being while thinking for a second.  
"NO! KISS YOUR EVIL SEXIST MAN MEAT™ **GOODBYE!** " Betty shouted while menacing the transformed Tetsusaiga she magically brandished out of her Most Special Part (It's offensive to women if a man asks where and how they get objects in their Most Special Part.)

She pulled of his pants and man panties and, with one swoop, chopped off his Man Meat™.

No one was aware that Phil and Lil had taped the entire thing. Not even Chuckie, he randomly passed out from pain.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW I HAVE PROOF THAT THE SEXIST MAN FAG EXISTS, I'LL SURELY GET A FIVE DOLLAR DISCOUNT AT VICTORIA'S SECRET! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" She laughed maniacally for 5 minutes until she decided to go home and terrorize her husband, not caring that she is abandoning her two kids.

Betty was about to leave when Drew Pickles jumped through the window, completely naked. A purple, three-testicled dinosaur followed.

"We need that penis for the Goatse Contest, Betty." Drew said.

"YOU WILL NEVER GET MY TROPHY, YOU FAGS!" Betty screamed.

"Then we'll just have to take it from you, then." Drew replied. Betty tried to run but Barney the Purple Dinosaur started to jack off Drew. "Oooohh yess, just a bit mooooree!" Drew moaned.

Betty was almost at her car when Drew jizzed all over her and her car. "YOU SICK MAN PERVERTS! I'LL KILL Y-" Betty then noticed that this was no ordinary evil man jizz, but jizz with acidic properties that only homosexual men and penises are immune to. She and her stupid car dissolved; Betty was yelling and screaming blood freezing cries of pain, until only a puddle of man jizz was left.

Barney picked up Stu's former Man Meat™ and then, all of a sudden, a big spaceship made entirely out of dicks landed in front of Tommy's ugly house.

"Guys, job well done." Drew talked to the dicky-talky. Before he and Barney could get on the ship however, Stu ran outside to meet his brother.

"Please take me with you Drew, PLEASE!"

Drew looked at his dickless brother fro a few seconds, then he replied with "I think you've been watching too many cartoons."

Drew and Barney then blasted off into space, probably to a planet made of dicks and gay men.

"Why did you leave us Drew, WWHHHYYYYYYY!?" Stu shouted to the sky.

Meanwhile, back in the house, the babies and the adults have watched the whole event.

"That was fucked up . . ." They all said in unison.

"My father drove a-"

"SHUT UP!" Chaz yelled at Kira, sick and tired of what kind of sick shit that happened to her.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	3. America's Shittiest Home Videos!

What was supposed to be a typical day ended up to be . . . interesting.

Namely, two of the Rugrats got into a fight, and one of them got their eye gouged out with a screwdriver; the other's face got kicked in, but nap time fixed that. Phil and Lil sent the footage of the baby fight and Betty cutting off Stu's Man Meat™ to _America's Funniest Home Videos_ for the $10,000 cash prize. Drew was also seen for the first time in weeks, stole Stu's severed Man Meat™, and ejaculated acid jizz on Betty and her car for not giving the Man Meat™ to him. Stu's heart was broken when he couldn't come with Drew.

All and all, it wasn't a typical day at all!

Let's see what the twins are up to.

"And we are back to America's Funniest Home Videos!" Bob Saget announced to the huge audience. And by huge audience I mean the two to three Christian families that get offended by EVERYTHING.

"C'mon! Get to the awards!" Phil yelled at the TV. It was 8:00 PM at Phil and Lil's house.

"Do you know why the chicken didn't cross the road? Because he was too chicken!" Bob Saget said laughing nervously. His career went down the drain a LOOONG time ago and he knew it.

"Knock knock!" Bob said to the audience. No one answered. "I." Still no reply. "I am Bob Saget!"

The audience looked bored as SHIT. Bob made some farting noises with his armpit but that didn't work either. He then looked at his watch and then he decided he bored the "huge audience" long enough.

"Here is our top 3 videos; Little Boy Drowns in Cereal, Baby Fight and Woman Cuts Off-" Then a voice from the Ad Marketing Company overrides Bob's voice "Man Meat™! Men will be jealous, women will be wild!"

Then the TV shows the first video, what basically happens is that some kid falls asleep in cereal and drowns in it. The mother, who is pregnant, then screams out "GOOD LAWD! TIMMY IS DEAD!"

She then shrugs it off. "Oh well, I'm nine months pregnan- OH SHIT MY WATER BROKE!" An ugly ass baby slides out of the mother's ass. "BY THE GODS, IT'S AN ASS BABY!" She then ran around excited. The tape ended.

Then the second one started. Old Metallica is blaring in the background.

"PREPARE TO DIE, CHUCKIE!" The bald baby shouted.

"YOU'LL BE SORRY THAT YOU EVER MET ME TOMMY!" The redhead hollered.

They then started fighting each other, it looked like the bald infant was winning, he even knocked out a tooth from the other baby, but then the redhead tripped the other one over and started kicking him in the head, ranting all the way for two minutes until the toddler stopped.

"Tommy! I'm sorry for this ever happening!" he sobbed out. "If there was anything I could do for you then let me know!" then the beaten up baby slowly sat up.

"Chu . . . ki . . . cooome . . . cloooooser . . ." the infant barely managed to say.

"Sure, anything for you pal!" the toddler said, hopeful.

"Chuu . . . kii . . ." The bald baby gurgled out.

"What do ya need, O friend of mine?" said the redhead toddler. The music also stopped at this point.

The bald infant then stabbed the other baby in the eye with a screwdriver he pulled out of his diaper. "DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING CALL ME BALD AGAIN, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD and SATAN THAT I WILL **KILL YOUUUU!** " The bald baby screamed at the redhead.

The toddler was yelling in pain while the infant laid his head down to sleep, but then a Japanese woman dropped off her infant in the crib. "Hiya guys! What are we gonna do tod-" those were the last words the Japanese baby said before the beaten up baby shot her between the eyes with a .357 Magnum.

The audience was shocked by the video, so was Saget.

"Umm . . . hehe, umm . . . well, PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!" Bob screamed and then he ran off screen. The TV then went to technical difficulties.

"We have to cancel America's Funniest Home Videos due to angry letters and phone calls. The three top video owners will not receive any money and their tapes, sorry for the inconvenience."

Phil and Lil sat there, jaws dropped, motionless . . .

" **BULLSHIIIIIIIIITTT!** " Can be heard in the entire neighborhood.

The next day, at Tommy's ugly house . . .

"I can't BELIEVE that we didn't win anything!" Phil and Lil both shouted in union.

"Aww, I'm sorry guys, maybe better luck next ti-"

Lil cut Tommy off, "There won't BE a next time, Tommy."

"Why? Why won't there be a nex-"

Phil cut off Tommy this time. "It's because the show was canceled!"

"Because Censorship America was offended by our video!"

"Well, how was the video offensive?" Tommy questioned. For Phil and Lil, they were almost caught. Only quick thinking can save them.

"Well, uhhh . . . IT'S BECAUSE IT HAD A BLACK MAN IN IT!" They both shouted, hoping that it would fool the infant.

"Umm . . . Wow, that was dumb." Tommy said. "What should we do about this?"

Phil was the first to answer. "I don't know."

"Me neither."

Tommy, surprised by their lack of will to take down Censorship America, crawled up on a box that was in the baby pen, as if to make a big, inspiring speech:

"What the fuck is **wrong** with you guys? Giving up so easily! The real Phillip and Lillian would never be so quick to just GIVE UP! We need to put a stop to Censoriechip Americaln and we need to do it NOW, before they censor and ban other great anime like Bleach, Berserk, Yu Yu Hakusho and even SAILOR MOON, for fucks sake!"

"But how can we possibly stop them, Tommy?" Phil said.

"By killing all of them! Let's go to the sandbox, I'll explain my plans when we get there."

And so they mosey on to the sandbox. It was a bit harder to open the glass slider to the backyard than usual, because Chuckie wasn't there to help, due to being STABBED IN THE EYE WITH A SCREWDRIVER and all, but they managed.

"Okay, first we need a map of Censoriechip Americaln's house, then we need to rig the place with bombs and stuff, so we need to know their patrol schedule, so we can plant them unnoticed and send in a bomb threat. We make our demands and hopefully, they will comply and NOT call the police on us."

"But what if they call the police?" Lil questioned.

"Then we'll start the bombs and make those bastards cry for their mommy!" Tommy replied, confident that this plan will work.

"But where will we get the bombs and better yet, where do we find their house?" Phil asked.

"Umm . . . I don't know." Tommy answered, wondering if this plan would even get to step two.

"Umm guys, I think we need Angelica . . ."

"WHAAAT?" the twins both said.

"She may be mean to us but if we kiss her ass enough then she might help."

"But Angelica is DEAD! You killed her remember?" Lil reasoned.

"Then we'll have to bring her back then!" Tommy answered, raising his little baby fist in the sky.

The twins weren't so sure, however. "How do we do that?" Phil said.

"Well, uhh . . . I don't know." Tommy answered. But then he got an idea! "Let's go ask the Big Duck that lives on my house, he knows everything!"

"But what if-" Tommy then cut Phil off.

"Let's not ask any more questions right now, okay guys?" The twins both nodded.

"Now help me get the ladder to him." Tommy ordered. It was a tough job, considering that the ladder itself was long and, to the babies, very heavy. They accidentally lost grip of it a few times, once it even hit Spike's dog house, which spooked Spike into running amok in the neighborhood, and ending up getting pedestrians hit by cars that swerve to avoid him. Needless to say, he fucked everything up BIG TIME.

"Okay Tommy, the ladder's all set!" Phil alerted.

"Guys, if I don't make it to the Big Duck, you can have my ball." Tommy said before he started to perilously climb the ladder. It took about 3 minutes before he managed to get to the top. Tommy then started to wrestle the machine.

"That's it Tommy! Hit him in the beak! Hit him in the beak!" Phil offered help in verbal form. The Big Duck eventually bucked off Tommy, who fell all the way to the ground with a nasty crack. Phil and Lil panicked that the Big Duck may have killed Tommy.

"Tommy, are you alright?" Phil worried.

"Tom . . . me . . ." Lil started to cry.

Phil hung his head low, he didn't know if Tommy died or not, but he's not getting up.

Or breathing for that matter.

He then raised his head to the sky, he tearfully yelled out to the gods.

" **DAMN YOU BIG DUCK! WHY DO YOU KEEP ALL THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE UNIVERSE TO YOURSELF! WHYYYYYYY!** "

The twins then cried out in union.

" **TOMMMMYY!** "

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Fag Trek!

It has been a week since Tommy has been in the hospital. When he fought the Big Duck for knowledge of bringing Angelica back to life, the duck pushed him off of the house and he fell on to the ground. My brother and I tried to save him, we tried the hindlick maneuver, we heard about in the other day but it didn't work. Licking Tommy's butt didn't do anything. We cursed at the Big Duck but he didn't do anything about it. All he did was quack and quack, why Big Duck, why do you not share your knowledge to the whole wide word? Why? I never got to tell him . . .

_I never got to tell Tommy Pickles that I love him . . ._

* * *

Tommy has done the braviest thing that a baby can do and fought that duck, though it didn't work, Tommy didn't learn anything and he put him in a coma. Me and Lillian tried to help him but the duck must've got him pretty hard because he didn't get up. He was always the one to go first, he was always the first to lead us to an adventure; he even killed that stupid bitch Kimi that was always trying to steal the fame and glory from him. After he and Chuckie stopped being friends I would have been his newest bestest friend . . .

_He was the bestest friend anyone could ever have . . ._

* * *

We aren't friends anymore but when I heard the news I couldn't stop feeling so bad for him. I wished I never decided to fight him; maybe he wouldn't have stab me in the eye with his screwdriver he always carries around so I would have been there tomorrow—so I could've stopped him from trying to learn the knowledge of the Big Duck and getting himself hurt! But I do ask myself now and again . . .

_Will Dil be the new Tommy?_

* * *

Deep in outer space, there is a spaceship made entirely out of dicks . . .

"Major Barney, is my bukkake bath ready?" Drew questioned. They were almost at their home planet. When he gets back he is going to challenge his King to a Goatse Contest to see how many things they can cram up their asses. Winning would mean that he would be the new King of CumshoTopia, and he wanted to be clean and formal for his fagestry.

"Almost, Admiral Drew!" Barney answered, currently jacking off various Japanese men until they were ready. He was deep in thought.

What a man Drew is, what a man . . .

They first met weeks ago; Barney was visiting various gay parties and raves, hoping to find some recruits. His mission was to recruit new soldiers after a massive attack on his home world from the HESCN, which stood for Holy Empire of Sexist Christian Nutjobs. Their attack killed millions and wounded millions more; their army took a big hit from this, obviously. Barney was off duty at the time of the attack, in the middle of s intimate quality time with his similarly off duty boyfriend at the time, Justin Timberlake.

Justin's mission was to study how young earth human females behave, and maybe one day invent a drug in the form of really strong perfume. This perfume would transform all females within the perfume's line-of-smell, into men. The former females would then emit the smell from their urethras. It would have the same effect as the perfume. This will eventually turn every woman into a man, and thus, the planet must surrender if the human race wanted to live to see the next generation. The humans would then become sex slaves, and within the next few generations, citizens.

Barney and Justin was making love at the beach when the attack started. They were doing an Intercourse 69, where they would both thrust into each other anuses. They would be at the same positions as a regular 69. Their penises were VERY long and snake-like so it wasn't exactly impossible for them to do this either. They were about to set their jizz free into each other's bums when suddenly, missiles were being launched at the city. Thousands of enemy ships were docking, letting out HESCN troops, all the while, the leader of the HESCN taunted, insulted and read parts of the bible he made up. All of this was meant to lower the morale of troops and the citizens of Wankton. Barney and Justin immediately stopped their lovemaking and then held down one of the buttons on their cockbands.

"Code 1643, I repeat, code 1643, SUMMON HOMO-MECHA!" They transmitted to their base. Suddenly, a pellet shot out of a small hole in their cockbands. The pellets then grew into big, city defending war machines. Barney and Justin then hop into the cockpits of their mecha and then they went off to defend their happy and gay city.

"Lieutenant Barney, artillery in residential zone is being approached by gunship, over." A man mounted in a heavy artillery gun transmitted.

"Roger that." Barney replied.

"Corporal Justin, HESCN mecha has been spotted in corporate zone. We need backup, over." The leader of the hovertanks transmitted

"Roger that. Coming ASAP." Justin replied.

Barney flew off to aid the residential zone while Justin gone to the corporate zone to assist in his military brothers.

As soon as Barney got to the residential zone, the local Wankton artillery militia was surrounded by light aircraft; a big nasty gunship was also approaching. Barney immediately shouted out "SUMMON ENERGY SABRE! BETA VERSION!" These command words made the mecha create a huge sabre made out of energy. Barney then charged at the enemies. He cut two flyers down at the same time with ease, but the others were more prepared. Barney then flipped on some switches and turned on the automatic machine guns that were mounted on the mecha's shoulders.

This helped a little but Barney still had a hard time hitting the flyers. His mecha is more suited to melee with other mecha. A remote-controlled flyer was about to kamikaze into Barney and he didn't have time to react, but fortunately for him, the militia knew their mark and they knew it well. They had taken out the kamikaze plane and some other light things. In the midst of all this the gunship was about to fire the Holy Ultra Mega Cannon of DOOM!

"Gunship behind you Barney! Look out!" One of the militia transmitted.

Without thinking, Barney strafed, narrowly avoiding an otherwise devastating energy beam. But Barney dodged just in time and repaid the favour by loading up the jizz launchers, located in the mecha's crotch area. He got a lock-on and before the gunship had time to move out of the way, the mecha fired four mini-rockets full of jizz at the unlucky enemy. The ship was splattered in jizz, which dissolved the entire thing, killing all that was inside.

"Gunship neutralized, over." Barney notified.

"Roger that, we couldn't have done this without you." The commander of the militia replied.

Justin wasn't doing too good however, for his mecha was just glorified heavy aircraft. He managed to damage a mecha badly before he was struck.

"I'm hit!" Justin transmitted to everyone. Barney rushed to his lover's aide but it was already too late, he was KIA.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Barney screamed as he went berserk. The HESCN mecha did not expect this, like the incompetent boobs that they are, and got slaughtered single-handedly. All but one, the general, was standing

"I was the one that killed your cock-sucking fag friend!" the General transmitted, trying to get Barney's emotions to overwhelm him. It worked, as Barney was flailing his weaponry around stupidly. The General then cut off Barney's mecha's head, where the cockpit was located. But it wasn't all loss though, for Barney activated the jizz launchers just in time.

Nothing was left of the HESCN mecha general.

In the end, HESCN destroyed Wankton, and the troops stationed there were forced to flee.

Barney was presumed KIA until he requested an audience with his fagestry. He requested that he could gather troops from neighboring planets. Little did the King know that Barney just wanted to grieve over his dead boyfriend.

One night at a rave on earth, he saw a potential recruit, and he was a stud too. He made out with many men and even sucked off one of them. He was perfect.

"Heya stud, wanna get ourselves a room?"

The man's eye's lit up! He could not believe that Barney the Purple Dinosaur, secret sexual fantasy, wants to have sex with him! "Sure thing, purple duuude!"

They waded past druggie after druggie, until they finally got to the back of the club. The moment that Barney and Drew were in a private room Drew started to make out with Barney. Barney wanted to tell him about the recruitment program, but he settled for that after sex.

Drew and Barney did EVERYTHING a gay couple could possibly do to each other. This is where Barney finds out that Drew's dick is REALLY long, just like a CumshoTopian. They even pooped on each other, and got off of that.

"Ohhh Barney, I'm getting close!" Drew moaned out. Intercourse 69 all the way, baby!

"Ye- yeah, me too!" Barney replied. This went on for a minute until, you guessed it; they came AT THE SAME TIME! They jizzed all over the place, and this is where Barney found out that Drew is, in fact, a CumshoTopian.

"Whew, that was some good sex, Barney. Especially when we dissolved our bed with our jizz!" Drew complimented.

"Stud, you're a CumshoTopian. Humans don't dissolve objects and people with their own cum, and they definitely don't have big penises!" Barney explained.

"Aww, you know this isn't the time to talk about pretending to be a black man, Barney" Drew said in a cutesy way.

"I'm serious stud . . . and what's your name?"

"Drew Pickles."

Barney explained everything to Drew, from why his penis is so big to how his jizz dissolves stuff.

"Wow . . . my dad said I was a wigger." Drew said.

"He probably found your escape pod made for babies. He raised you from there." Barney explained.

"Well, let's go to CumshoTopia then." Drew said.

"Good idea." Barney answered.

And so, the two went off to CumshoTopia, where they meet the King.

"So you came back Lieutenant Barn-" The King then saw Drew. "Is . . . is that . . . my son?"

"I'm not sure of that, his fagestry, but it's possible." Barney explained.

"Well, until we get proof of this man being my son, I'm promoting him to Admiral. And as for you Barney, you are now officially a Major! The only way we can prove that this man is my son is that if we have a GOATSE contest! If Drew can beat me, then he will be my son!" The King announced proudly, he hasn't had a Goatse Contest in years.

"He will need a real penis to go with everything else, BUT HOWEVER! It MUST be severed and it MUST be a human penis!" The King said.

"Well, let's go get ourselves a severed penis then," said Drew. Barney and the possible prince of CumshoTopia head off to the dick ship for Earth. "I know a place where we can get one, too." Drew said.

* * *

"Barney? Barney? Snap out of it Barney!" Drew lightly slapped Barney, who was caught in a trance that his thoughts put him in. He snapped out of it however.

"Whe . . . where am I?"

"You're still on the ship Barney, you were in some sort of trance."

"Are we there yet, Admiral Drew?"

"Almost. We are entering the atmosphere now." Drew replied. Not too much longer before I can prove to myself to the King, he thought to himself.

* * *

Meanwhile, late at night in an earth hospital, Tommy is lying comatose in his bed, attached to machines that kept him alive.

There were sudden noises of squeaking, rolling and bouncing in the hallway. It became louder and louder, until it entered Tommy's room. The noises went over to the power cord that kept the life-machines running. A pair of scissors were brandished suddenly, and the cord was cut. The machines ceased to function, on cue.

"Goodnight, Tommy . . ."

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	5. Suicide Is Funny!

"Good morning, Michael!" A random nurse greeted.

"Hi Ashley!" Michael chirped cheerfully.

Michael Brookes is a twenty–six year old blonde that not only have a boy's name, but is not really blessed, but cursed with a set of heavy, pain-in-the-back E cups. This earned her a very special job at the hospital. She used to be a super model for some shitty magazine until she got sick and tired of guys ogling her and making retarded sex jokes whenever she tried to go to the supermarket, not to mention elsewhere. She had bodyguards that beaten these desperate virgins to oblivion, but they apparently had no lives to speak of because they just kept coming. This is what made her quit the model business. Since then she worked in the hospital. It has been two years since she first started working here. But because of her large bust size, she rarely does anything other than arousing old men who hadn't had an erection for over thirty years.

"Hey Michael, we have some work for you." Doctor Hines said. She sighed miserably at the thought of being a glorified stripper for another day. "Our last nurse has gone insane over changing another diaper and we need someone to take her place." Michael wasn't excited over being a diaper changer either but at least there's no stripping involved. "I'm sure you'll do great with the kiddies, IF you know what I mean, hehe . . ."

"In your dreams, Hines." She replied, annoyed with all of this sexual harassment.

"Alright, fine, I didn't know it was your period, cranky bitch . . ." Hines mumbled.

She ignored him and went to the first baby she had to work with. She entered the patient's room and checked on the symptoms that were in check board form for this baby. "Hmm, Tommy Pickles; comatose and has a broken leg. Fell off the house, poor kid . . ." She murmured to herself. Then she noticed that the life-support machines weren't working. Panicked, she then saw that the power cord was cut!

A shrill scream of terror rocked the hospital.

* * *

"Reptar, Reptar, gotta find that Reptar!" The TV version of the Reptar Ice skating play was playing.

"TV hasn't been the same since Tommy got hurt . . ." The DeVille twins sighed to themselves. They watched it until-

"This just in, BREAKING NEWS!" a news anchor announced, interrupting Reptar skating on ice. "Another baby died last night at the Vista Hill Hospital." This froze Phil and Lil. "The child's name was Tommy Pickles." They just sat there motionless. "He died from some busty _slut_ of a nurse that suffocated the luck-"

The other news anchor jabbed him with her elbow, forcing him to correct himself.

"Err I mean `poor` kid. And for punishment, she will give me a lap dance!"  
He then got up and made a pelvic thrust towards the camera. " **SSHHHWWIIIINNGGG!** " was the sound it made.

"DAMMIT, THE STUPID FUCKING CAMERAS ARE STILL ROLLING, HORNY **RETARD!** " The voice of a child yelled off screen.

"And Chewy can't have any!" He said with a goofy, shit eating grin.

" **THAT IS IT!** "

The angry child then body slammed the male news anchor. Chewy is one of the cameramen that works here. Chewy is a five year old that has no legs or arms, but that didn't hinder him too much, for he kinda slides around. His hands appear whenever he wants to use them. He wore a horizontal striped shirt that had a red-yellow pattern to it. After Chewy was done beating up the pervert, Chewy hopped onto the news anchor's table, continuing the narrating. "After she suffocated the little shit-eater, she then cut the power cord to make it LOOK like she only killed him that way! But we KNOW better, you **busty slut!** For punishment, she'll give me a blowjo-"

The beaten up news anchor then dragged down the pimp daddy Chewy and they continued to beat each other up.

The other news anchor had her hands in her face; disgusted with the human race as a whole. "I hate my life."

The twins were still paralyzed.

* * *

It was raining HARD at the cemetery, but it didn't matter for the people that came.

"We have come here today to mourn over the loss of Tommy Pickles, he died at a very young age of one year." The preacher announced. "Tommy was taken away from us by a fiendish woman who suffocated him with her shameful, yet _sinfully erotic_ nature, while he was in a coma." All of the alive parents were there, except for Didi; she could care less about her family at this point, because her sorcerer has gotten a level up!

"Yes, her breasts were very sinful indeed, she was a NAUGHTY girl, all right . . . May God smite thee with some erotic DISCIPLINE, heehee . . . " The supposed "holy man" thought to himself.

"My mothe-"

Chaz cut Kira off once again. "Not now; not ever."

Chaz, at this point, didn't allow her to ever say anything, for fear that she would make a big stereotype of herself and whine about bukkake.

"I just wanted to say that my mother died five years ago, so I would understand the anguish of the Pickles family losing one of their own, sheesh!" Kira snapped at Chaz, annoyed.

"Well if you didn't brag about how many dick were in your asshole that one time, or about the time your dad drove a car into your pussy, then this wouldn't EVER HAD TO HAPPEN!" He yelled, pissed off.

Kira was petrified at this, she thought he loved her, cared about her, and even wanted her, no matter how many times she has been in an orgy with the school boys and girls back in the 1st grade.

She felt like God betrayed her.

She then pulled a bloody decorative dagger that she concealed in her uterus (don't even ask how,) then aimed it at her tummy. It was the same dagger that her mother killed herself with when her love betrayed her.

" **WHY HAS THE GODS FORSAKEN MEEEEE?!** " She screamed out to the heavens in Japanese.

"PLEASE KIRA! DON'T KILL YOURSELF! **PLEEEAASEEEE! I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOUUUUU!** " Chaz tried to get the dagger away from her but she kicked him in the chest, which sent him flying into an open grave.

" **I HOPE THAT THE DEMONS OF HELL WILL DEVOUR YOU BRUTALLY, _GAIJIN!_** " She screamed at Chaz in English.

Everyone was watching.

Her life with Chaz was flashing right before her eyes, from when they first met, to the embarrassing first time they made love. Her Kama Sutra techniques were too good for Chaz's small American penis so he came instantly. He learned how to be more manly, unlike Chuckie, with Kira at his side. Chuckie was left with a whiny Japanese bitch baby that made him do really stupid things like wave his little baby penis at a dog with rabies, for her amusement. That dog TORE up Chuckie's crotch. It was a nasty sight to see, his nut sack was ripped open, revealing two VERY sensitive baby testicles. The hole where his penis was peed blood ever since.

"Goodbye . . ." She tearfully whispered as she plunged the dagger into her tummy. Her intestines, both big and small, screwed up as the dagger severed then both. She then steadily raised the dagger, cutting up all the way to her chest, where she sliced it. Her heart exploded but she somehow didn't die instantly from this, even though her tummy was shitting out all the shit that her intestines had and was pouring out blood. Her chest was like a fire hose spraying blood. She continued up until she got to her neck, which she then, with the last ounce of life in her, sliced up to her chin. This, of course, fucked up her lungs and vocal captivity, which also poured blood. Her body then fell to the ground; her dagger also fell pointy-side down and stabbed into her womb, where her six month old unborn child got stabbed in the face. Her fucked up bowels crapped out the unborn ass baby.

Everything was silent. The preacher was the first to speak.

"Umm . . . wow, this wasn't planned. Don't worry though, for the Japanese have no soul. If anyone wants to, you can mourn to her all you want, but I'm not carrying that weight to her grave." The Preacher casually said. "Well, see you Sunday!" He then left in his BITCHIN' Pope Mobile, which the titular old Catholic lent to him.

After fourty–five minutes of standing around and gawking at the nasty suicide, the adults decide to leave. Chaz stuck around however, and gave her a proper burial, it was the least he could do for her now.

"I'm so sorry, Kira." He whimpered at the makeshift grave. He then went home to mourn some more.

"Phillip, do you really think that adult killed Tommy?" Lil asked suddenly.

"I highly doubt it, Lillian."

"Besides the Big Duck, who do you think could possibly want to kill Tommy?"

"I don't know, the only person that I think that didn't like Tommy was Kimi, but she's dead now."

"I think Cersoriechip Americaln has something to do with it."

Phil let out a gasp, "They were probably spying on us! And if they were, then, then," he paused for a moment, "they must've sent an assassin to kill Tommy!"

Lil's eyes went wide. "If that's true, then we need to avenge Tommy! But how can we possibly defeat them?"

"One time, in a cartoon, I saw some wimpy guy get pushed around by some big guy, so he exercised until he was big too, and beat the other guy up! If we do the same, then we can beat Cersoriechip Americaln up!"

"One time I saw an comercenial for the Wavy Seels, and they said that they exercise people! We can exercise there!"

Phil thought about this for a few moments, taking into consideration that the Navy Seals probably had better exercises than imitating whatever was on _Berserk_ or some other violent anime.

"Then it's settled, we go join the Wavy Seels!"

The DeVille twins then went in search of the army's recruitment office, determined to take down Censorship America and its mystery assassin

Who was spying on them the entire time.

" _We'll see about that . . ._ "

* * *

Meanwhile, at the fagtastic docking area on CumshoTopia . . .

"Major Barney, I'm very nervous right now." Drew said.

"Don't be, Admiral Drew," Barney said in a calming tone, "here, I'll help." Barney then got down on his knees and stuffed Drew's three-foot long into his dino mouth. Barney had to be quick about this, for his fagestry is waiting right now. Fortunately, however, Barney was good at giving blowjobs so Drew came quickly. He came all in Barney's mouth, which he then swallowed. The would-be acid jizz went straight to his kidneys.

Barney and Drew then proceeded to his fagestry's Goatse Arena.

"Welcome, citizens, to the Goatse Areeena!" The King announced. "Tonight, we will have a Shove-til-you-Drop match, in order to see wherever Admiral Drew Pickles is myyyyy SON!"

Drew walked into the arena, Stu's severed Man Meat™ in hand.

"I wonder if the CumshoTopians are as easy to defeat in an ass stuffing game like the humans?" Drew thought to himself.

"Now, the servants of the contestants will insert the human penis into their master's ass- _hooooooolliiiiooooooooo!_ "

Barney then rammed Stu's Man Meat™ into Drew, while The King gets Mr. T's big black severed Man Meat™ in his royal derriere. He chose Mr. T's dick because he admired the man for his hatred of flying, for he relates to him there.

"AAAAnnnnnnndddddd . . . **BEGIN!** "

The servants then started ramming stuff into their master's ass. Barney always one upped his fagestry's servant, InuYasha, in what he shoved into their master's asses.

This contest gone on for weeks and weeks. Many times, the contestants pooped out some of the objects; some shot out of their asses like cannons, so the servants had to put the shitty objects back in. Often times they hit the servants, smearing bloody shit all over them, but they enjoyed it.

During break time they even have shitty sex with each other. They would feed each other their poop, piss and jizz. One time, InuYasha pooped so much that he shat out his small intestines, which then shat all over the spectators.

They enjoyed it

Immensely.

It was now week twelve, and the Goatse Contest is still in progress. The crowd was still just as wild as the first second, and the contestant's asses were so filled that they rebuilt the entire arena just to fit in their fat asses.

But then, both the small intestines and large intestines of The King exploded, covering the whole planet in shit; which means that Drew won!

In celebration of being his fagestry's son, he raised his ass into the air, and then shot everything out of his ass into the sky, and since it was so fast, it ended up in outer space.

" **CONGRATULATIONS, DREW PICKLES, FOR PROVING THAT YOU ARE THE LONG LOST PRINCE!** " The King was never so happy in his life. He ran up to his son and they both hugged. Their penises hugged each other, too. "Now, take your rightful place, by my side!" Drew was more than glad to accept his offer. "Major Barney; as of now, you will be promoted to Admiral!" Barney was so happy for Drew to finally be the prince of CumshoTopia.

"Sorry that your intestines exploded, Father." Drew said.

"Don't worry about that, my son, our intestines grow back!" Drew was relieved. "Want to take over Earth now, son? I have been saving it for you."

"Sure dad, but what about the HESCN?"

"Ahhh, we'll be fine. After every attack they make on us, it takes fourteen weeks for them to come back, since they live so far away from us."

"But dad, Barney has been gone for two weeks and this Goatse Contest took twelve . . ."

The King's jaw dropped.

* * *

On Planet Jesus, Drew's shit ball got caught in the atmosphere, and fell right on the capital city of Genesis, where their leader resides.

"What is tha-" was effectively all they were able to say before the shit ball splattered the city with yummy yummy ass excursions.

Jesus looked down from his holy temple from the moon orbiting his own planet, his eyes leering the filth splayed upon it. "CumshoTopians!"

"What are your orders, your holy one?" Adam, his faithful servant asked.

"Adam, my child . . . THIS! **MEANS! _WAR!_** "

**TO BE CONTINUED**

* * *

Now for a word from the creature that has conceived this fanciful madness . . .

Yes, it is I, the creator of _Fuck All Grown Up!_ What was meant to be a cautionary rant and tale against the Rugrats becoming tweens and being melodramatic about their wretched, anime-influenced childhoods, has rapidly become a gutter demon filled to the brim with mile-a-minute writing, characterization, and plot. That all happened when this story was first created. The gears must now be shifted, for my values have changed. I have embraced the outlandish content of my writing, and I now dream every day of adding this _vastly_ underrated quality into greater, and greater stories. To transcend the cradle of cheap, shits-and-giggles spam, and one day master the art of making a good story, regardless of the subject matter.

So mark my words: this will be rewritten. This needs to become a better version of itself. The heart of this story is in the right place, but the actual writing is not. The grammar is only as good as it is because I keep fixing it throughout. It would be noticeably worse if I didn't, believe me.

That being said, there are other writing projects to take care of, first.

Which project will be submitted? I can only wonder. It depends entirely on my mood.

There's just so fucking many to work from . . .


End file.
